Decisions, Decisions

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I feel horribly guilty. As I'm whining about missing Buddha, I'm also looking for a way out. I love my job. I really do. I get paid to play for cripe's sake! And I love those little ones more than I ever thought humanly possible. But I need more than that now. And I'm currently being interviewed for a nanny job in New York that has health benefits and use of a car as well as a 50% raise from what I'm currently earning now. The fact is, ten dollars an hour is crap. What's horrible is, I know that some people literally live on half of that. But I'm working my ass off being mom to these children, being a marital buffer to the parents and not earning nearly enough to pay the bills and actually have any spending money. This job would not only give me a change of scenery but I'd get a lot more perks as well. But I'm torn. All of my babies are here. My parents still live here. And while I do like to pretend to be a tough-ass, independent chick, I do occasionally enjoy having my mommy take care of me. I figure, I spend my days taking care of other people's children, I deserve to go home and get a little TLC of my own. Furthermore, I just don't know how I could handle being away from my little Buddha. I overly gush, I know, but I truly love that child. Also, I shudder to think how neurotic he'll be by his first birthday if he spends too much time with his mother. I know they say they "need" me but I also know they are far more capable of child rearing than they think. And if they do absolutely need a replacement, I'm sure my sister will gladly take over. She wouldn't be able to fulfill as many hours as I do because of her school schedule but it'd be enough to keep Mrs. P on this side of insanity. Yes, they'd be sad but they'd get over it. They were parents before me and than can be parents again, once I leave. If I took this job though, I'd have to leave the first week of September, which means I'd miss Bunny's fifth birthday and then Buddha's first in October. I've been working on elaborate birthday presents for the both of them for months now. I can't imagine not being there to celebrate with them. And it's New York! I lived there for two years a decade ago. I hardly remember it and while I do have a bit of extended family in the city, I would be, for all intents and purposes, alone. By myself. For the first time in really, forever. And that's scary. A lot scarier than I'd like to admit, actually. So I'm stuck. Vacillating endlessly. But the deadline is looming. Should I or should I not take this job? Should I stay here with the family I adore (and occasionally detest) earning the same old paycheck, constantly driving on a nearly empty tank of gas or should I go, take a risk, be independant and see if this new opportunity could work out?
Boy do I miss the days when things were either good or bad. You either made a right choice or a wrong choice.
But alas, I have two choices in front of me now. The proverbial fork in the road. And I'm sitting right in the middle, unsure of where to go. One moment I'm sure I want to go to NY and the next I'm cowering at the idea. I just. Don't. Know.
And I'm beginning to realize that I'm much better at taking care of other people's children than I am at taking care of myself.
Growing up sucks.

3 Responses to “Decisions, Decisions”

  1. Anonymous rochelle 

    I was a nanny for a decade and know exactly what you're going through. What I determined was that, even though I loved the kids very very much, I had to love myself more (yeah, I know - how very self-help of me, but it's true). Nannies tend to give so much of themselves that they forego their own needs most of the time. And the truth of the matter is - these are not your kids and you are not ultimately responsible for their upbringing - that's what they have parents for. I think New York would open up so many different doors for you. You should really think seriously about moving. You can always be in the children's lives in different ways (I still see most of the kids I nannied). But you need to start thinking of yourself and your needs more - it may feel selfish but actually it's the healthiest thing you can do for yourself in this situation.

  2. Anonymous Annie 

    Obviously I'm going to come out pro NY on this one. I'm interested to know a few details about the family, though. More kids or less? Live in or out? What neighborhood? (I could make a snap judgement for you based solely on that last question.)

    I've always tried to stay in situations where I know, as much as I love the kids, both the kids and myself would be ultimately fine if I suddenly couldn't be with them anymore. I get frightened of jobs where it starts to seem as if I'm becoming a mother replacement. I'm not sure if that's the situation you're in or not, but it seems like a change of scenery/pace would do you good.


  3. Anonymous Nanny Louise 

    I agree with Rochelle.
    Give NYc a try. Put yourself first!
    I had a very hard time putting myself first for years. The celebrity parents, the rich envestment bankers Iworked for, they were all about them, I was all about them and in the end, I felt lost.
    I know how it is to fall in love with children. But it is good to let go and live on your own terms. NYC is fantastic, I live here and I must say that it offers many opportunities. If you get here and you dont like it, you can always go home, but you dont always get the opportunity to get to NYC. Home will always be there, NYC is always here, but how many times will you get an opportunity like the one you are up for?

    Take the job in NYC.

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